As many of you know, my husband, Billy, is one of my best (Read: only) friends. We do everything together. I am actually afraid to leave the house without him (he’s big and he talks out loud; two things the outside world seems to demand). So when he’s not around, I’m generally inside.
Last week, Billy went to Portland, OR and left me, the children, the dogs and the TV alone. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time with the TV. As if that magic box owed me anything after all the gifts it has given me…here is what I learned:
I had limited myself to only four Motel Movie Genres, when in fact, there are hundreds. You take them like medicine; some are aspirin, some are morphine, some are Band-Aid® brand adhesive bandages and some just make you go, “What the hell?”.
Here are some more horizon-expanding MMG’s, based on the self-prescribed medicine I took this week:
Looks Don’t Count – A smart, kind, ugly man must prove that he is worthy of dating cheerleader-models. He does this by being an excellent human being and standing next to a sharp looking but transparently evil man by whom a cheerleader-model is initially fooled. Then the evil guy trips himself up by being extra evil, making the hero guy look extra good. Luckily, it’s not difficult for the hero to be an excellent human being because he is smart and kind. It does not occur to him to date smart, kind, ugly women, however, because they are invisible.
Ebony and Ivory – The plot is that people who have different color skin are also different on the inside. The plot is also that they are the same on the inside.
The Jungle – You are in the Big City and it gets dark there at night and there’s garbage everywhere and nobody cares and someone is chasing you (or you are chasing them, I’m not sure) and you run on the dirty sidewalk and you bump into a mean guy who yells “Hey! Watch where you’re goin’!” and there are scary punks, with bright red hair and piercings leaning on fire hydrants who snarl at you and then you run into the street and cabs swerve to avoid you and the cab drivers either shake their fists at you (Rated PG) or flip you off (Rated R) and then there’s a homeless guy ranting and you run down an alley, and you have two guns (one for each hand) and you fire them both at the same time and you miss practically everything you aim at. Whew!
The Lady Jungle – It is always daytime unless it is the sparkling twilight lit by Christmas lights and streetlamps. You have an apartment that is soft and feminine, like you, and your doorman has a name, as does everyone in the city because you know them all and they care about you and your love life. You go to The Office and The Gym and The Bar and you have Girlfriends who know more about your personal life than you do and talk about it constantly. You fall in love but it’s confusing because of the amount of money the guy has (either a little or a lot) but then it’s great anyway and then it’s not and then it is again. Whew!
Posted in: words on March 31, 2006